Remember:

Being a flexible parent that accepts all genders doesn't just mean buying your girl monster trucks and tshirts, letting her wear blue and not pink, and getting her play in the dirt.

It also includes accepting and letting you son wear pink, dresses, and play with dolls.

There is a very large double standard on this.  I've grown up a tomboy.  I was always a tomboy, from infancy.  It's just me.  But, aside from a lot of teasing, I was never really told no by anyone.  My parents don't mind.  But my boyfriend wants to get his ears pierced or paint his nails, and it's a big deal.  Boys aren't even allowed to pierce their ears in ROTC, but girls can.  It doesn't have to be gender dysphoria feelings.  Boys get their ears pierced and wear pink.  It shouldn't be a big deal anymore.  Yet it is.  We, as a society, are very afraid of boys being feminine.

Keep an open mind.  You will make this world a better place.

Rape Is Not A Joke - Protect Women's Rights.

Triggering warning for rape and suicide.

The door knob clicks open and her heart begins to race.  He enters the room, and her mind begs and pleads to escape.  If it meant death, he’s accept it right now.  She’d even enjoy it, with her only other option being…him.
    He is sure to close the door behind him.  She looks for an escape, her body pressing up against the bed frame.  She wrapped her blanket around her, scanning the room.  She knew it was hopeless, knew that the windows were latched, that he would just back her into a corner, somehow.  He was a good planner, and knew exactly the nights her mom wouldn’t be home to hear her cry.
      He advances, and she wonders how long she could fight him off.  Her mom won’t be getting done with work for at least 2 more hours - could she struggle that long?  How painful is a blow to the groin?
     As he advances, she jumps off the bed, pure adrenaline racing through her veins and she darts to the other side of the room.  But he is faster - he’s always faster - and within 30 seconds, she’s pinned to the bed under his massive weight, head banging the head board on the way down.  Her desperate attempts to keep herself upright are no match for 200 pounds of muscle, and she is momentarily silenced by the throbbing in the back of her skull.
      The pants come off first, her toes catching the the folds of her fabric in a desperate attempt to keep her clothes on as she kicks.  Her shirt rips as he yanks it from her grasp, tears soaking her face faster and faster.  Her under clothes peel off and she knows this is it, this is her last chance.  She’s seeing everything, every insecurity, every pound he’s tried to beat off of her skin.  She screams, her voice and blood curdling echo of her terror, causing his fist to collide with her teeth.  She screams again, this time from pain, and he crashes his knuckles into her rib cage.
     She finally goes limp, her body violated in the worse way.  Her will has drained from her essence, leaking all over the sheets and evaporating into nothing.  Pain devours her being, shooting through her body like thousand tiny daggers stabbing into her.  Emotional and physical agony mix and swirl behind her eyelids and she whimpered and sobs.  His hands touched and explored everywhere a father’s shouldn’, where no man should ever touch his daughter.  And she knew that this had to end.
        She had to die.  Soon.  She felt so dirty, so used and ruined, beyond repair.  Something that should have been meaningful had been darkened and taken away from her, charged with anger, hate, pain, and force.  She knew that she could never be whole again.  She thought she could never enjoy life - not after this.
     And so she began to plan, her only comfort to the agony.  She began to fantasize about the caress of the rope on her neck, the kiss of the blade on her pale skin.  It was her only redeption, softer than her father’s kiss can ever been, laced with more comfort than he could ever hold.
      The pain seemed never-ending.  By the time he was finished with her, she was bloody and bruised in more places than one, leaking father-inflicted pain.
     He got up, zipping up his zipper.  He seemed so calm and collected.  How can he be like that?  She wondered.  In the face of what he just did, hos can he not be breaking down inside, how can he not be scarred…
     He leaned over and whispered the words than sealed the deal, “If you ever tell a soul about this, you will be dead faster than you can blink your eyes, and so will your little sister.”  And then he was gone, leaving her in the blackness of her misery.

******

 It only takes her 7 weeks to really notice the disturbance in her normal body.  The only blood she has shed in the last 7 weeks has been self-inflicted - her period has all but disappeared.  Distraught, she sneaks out, going to the drug store.  It’s midnight, and the man at the counter gives her evil eyes and she slides the pregnancy test across the counter.  She knows exactly what he’s thinking - that she’s a whore.  A slut.  That she deserves it for not being more careful.  She’s been on birth control since she was 10 - “to regulate her periods” - but it was really for her dad’s safety.  And now, and she crouches down in the toilet, heart erratic and she waits, she knows that it has failed her.  So many times, so many tears, so much pain…and the control has failed her.  And now what is she to do?  Thirteen years old, carrying her father’s hate inside her stomach.  What will she do with it?  She can’t keep it.  She can barely keep herself alive.  Maybe - maybe it is best to die alongside the baby.  Then no one will call me a murderer.  No one will have to know.  She can beat her dad at his own game.  She won’t even leave a note - then her sister will be safe.  Her precious sister.  He won’t touch her - even at 12, she’s much more developed, and he doesn’t fancy her. -   

******

This story is no one’s story and so many people’s story.  This story is a small snippet of the pain and rape victim feels day to day.  This is a insight into what it’s like to really live in hell.  And there are some people that would have her keep this baby.  When she cannot even sustain herself.  Some people would have her carry the scars of her abuse forever.  Some people would let that baby know, some day - that even if it’s mother wants it know, it was born in the cruelest way.  It was unwanted and unplanned.  No baby needs that life.  No girl needs to become a mother on those circumstances.  Protect women’s right to choice.

Why I Am Going To Stop Using The Word Perfect.

Perfection is a putting someone up on a pedestal.  Perfection, although meant with good intentions (usually) is saying that a person has no flaws.

This, by human nature, is contradictory.  People have flaws, and people make mistakes.  By calling someone perfect, you are insinuating that they cannot make mistakes.  So then, when the person you’re calling perfect does make a mistake, they feel somehow like that was wrong.  Like they shouldn’t make mistakes, because they need to keep up your perception of them as perfect or flawless.  The person can feel trapped and cornered by unrealistic expectations made with one word.

And one person’s flaw is another person’s pride.  Some people like their freckles/dimples/scars, some don’t.  Sometimes you won’t like your crooked teeth or hair color, but your partner or friend will think that *insert physical characteristic here* is cute.  The same goes for emotional characteristics.  I mean somethings, no one LIKES, but I think neediness is one of those things that varies so much that one partner may reciprocate your almost over-affection, one may back off because of it.  It’s just people.  Different people fit together in different ways.  All of your flaws and what your proud of, every bit of your body makes you who you are.  

But perfection is an unfair word.  You are allowed to make mistakes.  You are allowed to fall, to screw up, to cry, to be in pain, to do things accidentally, to have a bad relationship, to not always be right.  But you ARE good enough.  Just because you are not perfect, doesn’t mean you can’t be a wonderful human being.

This is just how I feel.  I am reading a lot into a word, but I have a really big issue with unfairly idealizing people and unfairly hating people.  For me, it’s black and white.  Love or hate.  Adoration or contempt.  And I wish to stop being so intense.

Eating Disorder Statistics

Anorexia nervosa is the most deadly of ANY mental illness.

About 50% perfect of people with anorexia will die in a year.

Prolonged starvation can cause malnutrition, dangerously low blood pressure, osteoporosis, damage to the kidneys and liver, and heart failure.

Karen Carpender died of anorexia/heart failure at the age of 32. 

Since the 1950s, anorexia has been increasing by 36% percent.

About 8 million people suffer from anorexia and bulimia.

People ages 15-24 are most at risk.

Models tend to be 25% lighter than America's average weight.

Pant size 12-18 is considered a "plus size" model.

3 out of every 100 girls will develop bulimia or anorexia.

Bulimics and anorexics tend to be perfectionists, people overly-worried with doing things right, people who worry about consequences of their actions very much, and people who need control.

Recovered anorexics and bulimics were found to have an unusually high amount of seratonin.  Over excess of seratonin goes along with obsessive/anxious behaviors and reduces appetite.  

People on diets or starving themselves may be trying to reduces their intense anxieties.

Nearly 50% of patients will relapse in the first year, but studies show that if the ideal weight was reached before release from the hospital, these statistics could decline. 

Sexual abuse is not uncommon among people that are eating disordered people.

Jockies and weightlifters have highers levels of anorexia.

Starvation can shut down estrogen, which IRREVERSIBLY takes away your bone mass and also makes you stop having periods.

After 15 years of starvation, your bones can have the mass of a 70 year old women.

Some anorexics eat plenty of food but engage in strenuous exercise.

Many anorexics, as children, had high rates of anxiety.

80% of women are dissatisfied with their bodies.

Girls as young as 9 or 10 are dieting even though they are normal weights.

Depression often accompanies EDs.

Usually, as you eat, a small amount of food will start to be released into the small intestine, which releases CCK, which tells your brain that you are full.  Engaging in binge behaviors for a long amount of time makes the stomach release CCK slower, and makes the message to the brain to stop eating much weaker.

Polyamory

I decided to stop begin lazy and do it now.

I guess I will begin with this: I have been wading my way through the polyamorus culture, which I find beyond interesting, if not for me.  I’m monogamous, because that’s just the kind of person I am.  When I have eyes for someone, my heart centers to them and them alone.  But for some people, open relationships work.  This comes in many different forms, but this blog has a lot of basics, and is basically where I first began to realize these kind of relationships existed.  All her posts about polyamory can be found here.  

Leave your opinions at the beginning of this post, and I’ll begin:

Polyamory is not being a “slut” or sleeping around.  There’s different decisions to make within the relationship, but that is a personal preferences.  Some people are a group - the three or four of you all date, etc.  Some people stay within that group, some people look for relations outside of the group.  Sometimes you have a single boyfriend/girlfriend that you are dating, but you have sexual relations with other people, but don’t date them.  It just depends on the people involved and their feelings.  

Some people need or prefer to have their needs met with multiple people.  Maybe there is just this one special thing that a certain person does, that gets you off differently, that gives you different pleasure.  I have a very small frame of reference since polyamory is EXTREMELY taboo in this culture, but I know that some people actually enjoy and feel very romantically attached to the idea of going out, doing sexual things, and coming home to the one you love, the one who fulfills the 90% of your needs there waiting for you. 

But the children!  We must let our kids remain ignorant and innocent!  No, you don’t.  Not only is it completely fine and dandy to teach children that polyamory exists, there’s also nothing wrong with raising a child in what is basically just a bigger family setting.  If you are not constantly so drunk/stoned you can’t articulate correctly, beating your children, neglecting your children, neglecting educating your children, or not giving them enough love, it shouldn’t matter the amount of partners or the sex of the partners, if you intend for them to be long-term.  So kids may fell confused by switching partners as young children, but that could change.  Plus, there is nothing un-innocent about being educated.

Are bisexuals more likely to be polyamorous? Eyeroll.  No.  Sexual orientation doesn’t have anything to do with being monogamous or poly-amorous, although that would be a situation where maybe those are the “needs” that some people feel better having met.

How can you love more than one person at once? Now, you see, there is NOTHING wrong with loving one person, and there is nothing wrong with loving two.  Do you love both your parents, multiple friends?  Ever loved an ex while still beginning a new relationship?

But isn’t polyamory just an excuse to cheat?  First and foremost, I think the best definition of cheating is simply, “Doing something behind your lover’s back that they are unaware of.” If it’s okay with you for your partner to flirt or maybe even kiss someone’s cheek, that’s a-ok.  If it’s not, then, in that particular relationship, it’s considered cheating.  So basically, polyamory is just widening the boundaries.  instead of hugs and light flirting being okay, sex, romance, and dates with other people are.  Everything is consensual, between both or all people involved.  If you go behind someone in the group’s back, then yes, that would be cheating.  Cheating can exist in polyamorous relationships, as can jealousy, like it can with ANY relationship, but it is not a breeding ground of jealously.  If you’re polyamorous, you’re probably pretty comfortable with the idea of you and your lovers sharing bodies.

Isn’t it unsafe?  STDs, ew.  Okay, this actually really amuses me.  If you are sleeping with multiple people and putting your mouths on multiple genitalia, why the  HELL wouldn’t you be extra safe?  I’m sure these people are hyper-aware of the dangers of pregnancy, STDs, STIs, etc.  There are many forms of contraceptives.

But the bible says _____” I’m going to stop you there.  I in no way want to BASH religion, but I feel like this is something I need to add.  I’m sure there are polyamorous Christians somewhere.  I also don’t think that the morals and indoctrination of one religion (or even a few.) should be applied to EVERYONE.  If you personally wish to have a monogamous relationship PURELY because you feel that to do otherwise is wrong, go for it.  You have that freedom, and that’s awesome and fine and great.  But also, government and laws should not be mixed with church/religion.  Feel free to practice your religion and your beliefs, but let others practice theirs as well.  It is in no way unethical to want to love multiple people, so try and open your minds a little bit.

I’m writing out of steam and things to write about.  I’m googled polyamory arguments for and against.  So..

Here are some videos and blog posts about polyamory and such. (I’ll add to this later…)

Laci Green’s explanation.

Be An Ally

This goes to anyone that is the majority group.  Of anything, really, but especially with sexuality and gender.  It’s not good to generalize cis or straight people, but if you want the respect of gay, lesbian, and trans*/queer people, you have to educate yourself and be an ally.  

Sometimes it’s hard to get educated about trans* matters, because there isn’t as much light shined on gender as there is on sexuality. But here is a list of things to get you started:

A list of gender terms is here: [link]

A trans 101 is here: [link]

A quick etiquette lesson when talking to a trans person (what not to say/ask) can be seen here: [link] and here: [link]

Also, I just skimmed through this, but here is a wiki article about gender reassignment surgery. It’s generally offensive/intrusive to ask someone about their genitals, so if you’re honestly curious, here is a little info on surgery, and how it works: [link]
This is a pretty good resource on hormones, and how they work: [link] I can’t really find any great ones resources on that now, sorry guys.

What If I'd Been Born A Boy

Gotten a Y chromosome instead of another X?  

It's weird thinking that my life could have, essentially, been completely different.  Would I still like boys?  Boy clothing?  Would I be a feminine boy, a masculine boy, a straight boy, a gay boy?  I probably would have had a lot more of my dad's love and respect.  What if I was all dad needed?  What if our family held together, because he got the boy he wanted for years and years?  Got the sports-y, dog lover that I was, minus the penis.  But what if it got worse?  What if dad beat on me harder, because I was a boy?  Demanded more of me?  Hit the life out of me, until I attempted suicide my slicing apart my chest, like my cousin did.

       But, I think that on a deeper level, my family-oriented emotional trauma would be the same regardless of whether I was born a boy or girl.  I suffered because of my mom's choices, basically.  And I mean, I was born because of those choices, too, but still.  

What about my more personal life?  I mostly only had male friends in Elementary.  Do boys get complimented on their looks more?  Are they wired to care?  If I weighed what I weigh and was a boy, how would I feel about myself?  If I was a dorky, curly-haired, overweight boy..my god.

But say, I had led basically the same life, just, with a penis.  What about Conner and I?  what if I had this huge crush on a straight boy, and I was a gay boy?  Zaih and I?  Would she still have pulled me into that magnetic field of damage, but with romantic intentions?  

Shattered.

A broken, shattered me.  That’s what I am.  It’s as though the fundamental ME, my personality. My emotions, they have all splintered or broken off.  At the center, what holds me together, is numbness and a constant mild sadness.  Insomnia that keeps me up until the darkest hour.  The anger, even, it’s shut down, broken.  My bravery is lessened.  And it can surface, bit when it does, I am alone and isolated with that emotion.  It is in control, and I become impulsive.  If I’m happy, I tend to make plans I don’t want to follow through with, sometimes to do silly things with my friends.  When I’m worried, I’ll get a panic attack.  Gut-wrenching fear.  When I’m upset, I want  to hurt.  Bleed.  Die.  Because all I can feel and comprehend is my current emotion.

Anxiety/Paranoia

Here is what makes me feel crazy.

My paranoia and anxiety issues, most of which I am too embarrassed to admit.

I'm terrified of the dark/ghosts.  If my door is cracked open, even half an inch, that's enough to start the heart palpitations.  Shadow moves, something out of the corner of my eyes?  Same thing.  Closet open?  Have to shine a light in there before I can sleep.  I'm jumpy and easily frightened.  As a kid, I was afraid of asteroids, meteors, any form of natural disaster, it all terrified me and chilled me to the bone, and it must have started then.  And even just talking about ghosts can get me glancing over my shoulder.  And not in an "lol, I watched a scary movie and now I'm spooked" way. I have no emotional barrier.  Scary movies chill me.  Mirrors at night still scare me because of Unborn, and I watched that 2 years ago.  I can't go into the basement sometimes because it scares me.  My imagination escapes me.

     I also always have this sinking feeling of dread, like everyone is lying to me, like everything is about to explode.  Canceled plans, heart-to-hearts, I always feel like people are lying, holding back.  My whole life, nothing was ever a constant.  Divorce, cancer, switching schools whenever I have grounds, new family, alcoholic/drug abusing father figures, failed father figures, failed mother figures, no friends that stay, etc.  The relationships around me all burned out.  I'm just accustomed to ending, to seeing the glass half empty.  I was also lied to a lot growing up - I was the baby, the one they sugar-coated things for too much.  Information was withheld.  Maybe when I realized that no one around me was who I thought they were, I began to be suspicious.  My family is a foundation of lies.  I always suspect a lie before the truth - I like to see things with my own eyes, deduct with my own reasoning.  I also cannot lie, it is physically impossible for me. Even though sometimes I wish I could lie to my overly-attentive, over protective mom, I can't.  She thinks I can.  She thinks I'm so desperate to lose my virginity I'd make love in the ten minutes it takes for her to go to Walgreens.  But I could never, nor do I want to, yet.  I'm too paranoid do things on a clock or on a lie, to know that my time would be up soon.  Same with anything, really.  Parties, sneaking out of the house, smoking, I could never enjoy myself, I'd be too worried about being caught.  Even for the simplest, easiest things, I think of these big, constructed lies, and never need to use them.  Like with hiding my cutting scars.  I was always afraid a friend would see, and I'd imagine a whole conversation in my mind, and they'd never even notice.

With anxiety, I get real freaky flashes of things in my mind a lot.  Like, I have a hard time controlling my imagination, too.  I'm always terrified of my step-dad beating and/or sexually abusing me, and especially when I was 13 or so and had no one to talk to, the thoughts would get a hold on me, pound at my rib cage, scare me.  To vivid.  Ditto with being in high places (think of falling, breaking my neck, dropping my phone, etc.), reaching my hand out of a car (smashing into a stop sign, falling out, hitting a light post and having my whole arm snap back and break.), things like that.  When I was as young as 7 or 8, I used to be near tears if I thought about death, because it would give me a panic attack to think about dying and that being the end of everything.

Soo yeah, there's a little crazy for you.  The complexity that is my insanity.

I've heard BPD used to be referred to as a sub-type of schizophrenia. 

Update...Apologies, Even Though I Have No Readers.

I noticed today that although my blog says, gender, sexuality, mental illness, feminism, and thoughtful atheism."  I have barely made any posts about religion or mental illness.  I'll start working on that.  


I'm suffering from codependency, anxiety/paranoia, a self-injury addiction, mood swings, feelings of empty identity, depression, and restricting/starving with binges.


I'm pangender.


I'm atheist.


And here's a picture of me:

My chest is tied down.  Stuck here forever...blurring the lines.

I'm A Feminist Because..

• I'm a feminist because since I was young, boys were favored.  Physically, in sports teams, whatever.  I'm grow up a tomboy, a girl who was doing things most boys were, and was hit in the face with how much teachers would prefer boys helping them move things, how everyone thought the boys teams were better, etc.
• I'm a feminist because I don't want to be forced to write under a male pseudonym.  J. K. Rowling published her books with her initials and not her full name because her editors believed no one would pick up an action/fantasy written by a women.  I want to be a writer, a poet, something creative, and expressing my femininity - or my pangender identity, for that matter - shouldn't be a turn off to a potential buyer.
• I'm a feminist because my future daughters and I deserve the same opportunities as my future sons and husband.  Although I have ZERO desire to join the military, I think it's sexist that when you register to vote, only men's names are put in the draft.  Equality is key.  If a man and women apply for the same job, the best qualified one should receive it, not the one society has proclaimed more fit by genitals.
• I'm a feminist because being a stay-at-home mom, while admirable, is no longer the only way to go, and I want my kids to see that.  I want the boys to know they can be nurses, nursery teachers, or hair dressers and that's OKAY and for the girls to know they can be construction workers, electricians, and other masculine jobs, and that's OKAY, because gender roles are stupid.
• I'm a feminist because no human should be perceived as an object, a toy, something to just play around with.  I'm a women, and I should have rights because I'm a human being.  Regardless of how I identify, what's between my legs, on my chest, or on my birth certificate.  I deserve rights because I am breathing and living and a person.

Benefits of Sex For Those Who Thinks It's Evil.

As I made a long, annoying post about: I’ve never had sex, and, for the time being, plan to keep it that way, but I dislike the concept of waiting for marriageso that you aren’t a whore.  Waiting until marriage is great, less risk of STDs, pregnancy, and emotional hurt, but it’s not the only way things work anymore.  Since I don’t really know how perfect these websites are, I’m just posting the ones that are repeated or from reliable websites.

1. Sex relieves stress.
2. Sex burns calories - about 170 per hour.
3. Studies show that sex boosts immunoglobulin A, an antibody that protects against colds and infections.
4. Having sex once or twice a week reduces the chance of a fatal heart attack.
5. Sex reduces pain.  As the hormone oxytocin surges, endorphins increase, and pain declines. So if your headache, arthritis pain, or PMS symptoms seem to improve after sex, you can thank those higher oxytocin levels.  Oxytocin also improves sleep
6. Frequent ejaculations reduce the chances of prostate cancer.
7. Sex balances our hormone levels, which results in clearer skin.
8. Turns out that semen is chock-full of zinc, calcium and other tooth decay-fighting minerals that benefit us when our bodies absorb it. While having lots of sex can’t replace a biannual trip to the dentist, having extra doses of these minerals certainly can’t hurt our pearly whites.
9. Sex (side note: having sex is not the cure to low self-esteem or a failing relationship.  It’s an addition to a good one.) boosts confidence, self-esteem, and improves moods.
10. Some evidence suggests that having sex can heal physical wounds faster.
11. Recent evidence shows that semen could be an antidepressant and help lower blood pressure.  It’s also packed with vitamins/minerals.

Just be safe.  Use condoms and birth control.  Be aware that nothing is 100% safe.  

My Reasons For Holding Onto My Virginity.

Beyond “I respect myself.”  This gets mildly personal, so read with discretion. 

• I AM only a teenager.  I could probably list a bunch of reasons why not to have sex focused on the fact that I’m young, not ready, have only been together a bit over a year, etc, but that is not the point I wish to make.  People in different situations with different mindsets believe different things about age and readiness and such.  The reasons following these (I hope.) will lack social stigma and be more personal.  
• I’m a paranoid motherfucker.  My period is STILL erratic, after nearly four years, and I’ve been 2+ weeks late, skipped whole months, etc.  I would be WAY to anxious and scared.  If it was a fucking day late I couldn’t focus on anything.  I’d just sit in my room curled in the fetal position.  And yes, eventually I will have to face a little paranoia - but I can’t be on the pill right now, and like I said, 15.  If I was 19 or 20 and a day or two late, I might be able to handle myself.
• I have trust issues, body issues, self-worth issues.  Getting naked?  Exposing myself completely?  breaking down not just physical but emotional barriers?  Letting someone be my first?  I can’t do that, not now.
• I want a solid guarantee that my first will be the one I marry.  No for any stupid moral reasons - I think it’s fine for other people to fuck more than one person before settling down, or be in open relationships, but that’s not for me.  I like my own sense of romance, me own knowing that only one person will ever see me to vulnerable.
• Giving into your desires as soon as they appear can suck.  I’m not one to be like, “Chase a girl for weeks and months and years and THEN date her.” But I do think that with sexual matters, waiting makes the heart grow needier.  There’s nothing wrong with wanting, and not having things fulfilled immediately. 
• I am a hopeless, cheesy, rose-petal loving romantic.  There is absolutely no way in hell I will lose my virginity on my mom’s couch.  I’m not going to lose it in the 15 minutes I have while my dad is at Walgreen’s, scrambling to zip my pants back up when I hear the lock turn in the keyhole.  I’m not saying I have some perfect virginity-losing night planned in my mind - but I know that I want to to be private.  Only rushed from passion, not fear of being walked in on.  I want a date and romance and gentleness.  I want to make love, not quickly fuck.
• This poem always struck a short and sweet cord with me.
• I think sex should be a secondary component to a relationship.  It can matter, yeah, a healthy sex life is great, but it should develop later.  Going from kissing to sex violates something in me that likes to take things step-by step.  
• I’m not doing it for religious reasons, neither am I waiting for marriage.  I am simply waiting, because that’s what FEELS RIGHT to me.

Lies and Stereotypes I've Learned About Sex, Sexuality, and Gender

Lie 1 - Only males are horny, only males want sex.  Women agree because the men want it.  Girls shouldn't even really WANT sex.  I can attest, that this is completely untrue.  I've never had sex, because I can control my impulses and I'm responsible enough to know before I even consider, I need to be on the pill, having good condoms, and I am way too romantic to do it in 10 minutes behind the couch.  But the stereotype that guys will stick it in while your mom's at Walmart in your dirty garage is so wrong.  Boys have desire, girls have desire.  Boys pressure, girls pressure.  It goes both ways, or it can go neither ways.  Both can be respectful.  One can want more, but stay quiet about it until the other is comfortable.  And not even in the realm of anything pressuring, just arousal.  Girls can want pleasure, too.  It's not this XY chromosome thing to want to feel good sexually.

Lie 2 relates to lie 1 - Only boys masturbate.  Girls masturbate for guys, to please guys.  Sluts masturbate on webcam, but that's about it.  In general, masturbating is gross.
So false I don't even know where to start.  Like I said previously, the idea that only boys want pleasure is silly in itself.  Personally, I think a lot of the reason girls don't masturbate as much is (beyond the social stigma, just google "is it okay to masturbate" and you will find a lot of girls and boys being worried about such.) that it actually is harder for a lot of girls to get off by themselves.  It generally takes girls longer to orgasm, and is just harder to get to that level of arousal.  And although I never really shared this opinion, I have heard a lot of, "But masturbating is so gross.  Touching yourself?  Ew."  For girls and boys.  Masturbating is probably the most natural thing ever.  Exploring your sexuality, physically and emotionally, is completely okay.

Lie 3 - Sex is insanely complex, troublesome, and even if your partner is a virgin, if you're not married, you will mysteriously contract an STD.  Okay, so I have never had sex, and I know it doesn't just pop right in like a puzzle piece, but there seems to be the idea floating around that if you tell kids that it's really hard, they will be deterred, when the opposite is true...they will explore.  Also, with the STDs: Yes, caution is wonderful.  Getting STD screenings is great.  But so is reality.  And the reality is you probably won't get AIDS from a bathroom toilet seat, spread it to your partner, and die a painful death.  If you're both honest and virgins (or just honest and clean), nothing will randomly emerge.

Lie 4 - Having sex with more than one - even just two or three different people in a fairly small frame of time - makes you a slut.  So does talking about sexual preferences or your sex life.  Wrong.  Cheating is getting into slutty.  Not knowing who your babies daddy is makes you a slut.  Having every STD possible makes you a slut.  Being a hooker makes you a slut.  but being 18 and having had sex with two people doesn't make you a slut.  Neither does wearing "slutty" clothes or saying that you are horny.


Lie 5  - Liking it in the ass makes you gay if you're a boy, weird if you're a girl.
To begin, sexuality is not nearly that shallow.  Just as straight people have types, so do gay people.  And it's not really JUST penis and ass.  That's not all there is to being a male homosexual, just as bobs and vagina isn't all there is to being a girl.  If you're attracted to boys, you like boy faces, boy bodies, boy chest, etc.  The aura of a man.  If you are attracted to girls, you like the feminine hips, the girly face, the (probably) long hair.  But there is the male equivalent of a g-spot in the ass, and it is not purely by some twisted birth defect that it would feel good.  It's just as natural as any other sexual feeling.  And for girls: there's still nerves and stuff.  It's not this numb area of no feeling.


Lie 6 - You can be gay, you can be straight, and you can even be bi, but you MUST have a label.  If you don't know, you can't be anything. There's not even much to say about this except that it's wrong.  You  can be questioning sexuality, gender, you could be a gay guy that happens to like boobs you can be a straight girl that likes girl curves.  You can make out with someone of the same sex and it doesn't make you guy.  You can be gay and have a opposite sex crush and it doesn't make you straight.

Lie 7 - Gender if male or female.  Getting sex changes or cross-dressing is weird if you're a boy, but not if you're a girl.  Just wrong.  If I wear a men's clothes, why do they have to be men's clothes?  They're MY clothes.  My gender queer, confused self.  But even before I identified as that.  Are you going to tell a 10 year old she cross dresses?  If a boy wants to dress up as Cinderella, he can.  Heels, a skirt?  Still okay.  Doesn't matter the age or the wear.  It is an okay thing to bend, explore, or identify as different than the binaries.

Lie 8- In order to be a proper, functioning girl and not have your sexuality questioned, you have to have long, flowing hair, loads of makeup, and tight clothes.  Wearing boy clothing, putting your hair in a ponytail, and wanting to be a boy is weird and wrong.  Although no one has ever really solidified for me that this is false, I have discovered myself that it is, indeed, false.  AND that my gender isn't a huge fucking deal.  If I want to be boyish, I can, and I shouldn't be chastised or called a lesbian for it.

Lie 9 - You can never send someone a picture of you even making a silly face or showing a little boob because the moment the boy you send it to becomes even the slightest bit annoyed that you are late to dinner, he will spread it around the entire school and your reputation will be destroyed.  Although I'm sure that this actually does happen a lot - even if the guy only, I don't know, shows it to his friend and says you have nice tits, that's still not something you want.  I just personally don't like the very "EVERYONE WILL SEE THE PICTURE BECAUSE OF REASONS" mentality.  It's illegal, and that's more to worry about in a lot of cases.  It's considered child pornography, and sending them to someone whose not a minor, if you are a minor, can get them in huge trouble.

A Perfect World Sex-Ed: Things I've Learned From the Interwebz, Reading, and Friend, Not Teachers and Parents.

Having a proper sexual education in school won’t cause more sex.
There’s a show about pregnant teenagers, what damage do you really think is still left to be done?


MAYBE, if your own bodies and anatomy weren’t shamed and taboo to talk about, teenagers wouldn’t have sex or to impulsive things just to explore.  Not that I don’t slut-shame sometimes, because people will judge you on how you look, and that’s a fact of life.  But if you want your tits hanging out and your legs barely covered, that’s your choice to make.  But if boobies weren’t so taboo, it wouldn’t be a big deal.  If own own anatomy wasn’t somehow subconsciously wrong to discuss, kids wouldn’t giggle at the worlds vagina and penis.

MAYBE if you actually taught about contraception - INCLUDING the possibility of staying abstinent, but not limiting birth control education to that, kids would AT LEAST be having protected sex.  I am planning to stay a virgin probably until I’m out of high school. or nearly.  But I fully support selling condoms on campus.  Sex is unpreventable.  Unprotected sex is preventable.

MAYBE getting pregnant shouldn’t be used as the biggest freaking scare. Yes, diapers cost more than condoms, etc. A baby is forever, a significant other might not be.
But there’s more sex can result in than getting pregnant or getting herpes. There’s emotions to it, too. There is a vulnerability in being completely exposed, an innocence you can’t ever take back. The One becomes not The One, a few times, and you begin to build up regrets. When someone truly is special, they aren’t your first, no matter how much you wish you could turn things around. Maybe even mention that, you know. Sex should only be with love and consent. Not impulsion, drugs, and pressure.  (Wishful thinking now:)  They’d even go over porn/masturbation and how it’s a perfectly normal, acceptable, and useful tool to relieve sexual tension without having sex FOR BOTH GENDERS.

Also, it should be thrown in there somewhere that raping is not okay, and can happen with any gender on any gender. Girls can rape girls.  girls can rape boys.  Boys can rape boys.  Boys can rape girls.  It’s caused by misanthropy, not misogyny.  Pressuring goes both ways. Nothing is consensual but a yes. Right now, in society, we are taught “don’t get raped.” instead of “don’t rape.”  If a girl is wearing a low-cut shirt, you have no right to touch her.  If a person is drunk, you have no right to force yourself upon him/her.  if a person is hesitant to say no, you don’t take that as a yes.  If you’re giving a girl head, you are not magically allowed to take your pants off and force your dick in her.  People make this mistake, that one sexual activity allows for the others, and it’s so wrong.  Sometimes passion happens and you go farther than intended, but if someone says NO, I’m not ready to go farther, you freaking stop.  It doesn’t matter how aroused you are.  It doesn’t matter how much you want it.  You back off.  You respect.

And in the real world of honest, truthful, and open sex ed, they’d cover the fact that genders don’t have to fit binaries, and something about homosexuality, how homosexual love is okay, too.  They’d talk about the different forms of gender fluidity, how being trans is fine, being cis is fine, but there’s also mixes of the two.  They’d (God, I wish.) discuss chest binding, sex changes, and hormone therapy.  And to cover same-sex relationships, they’d discuss curiosity and real feelings, how it’s fine to experiment, and also fine to actually be gay, bi, or pan.  (and now it’s just wishful thinking.) But they’d briefly skitter around the details of gay and straight sex.

Why I Am A Straight Supporter of LGBT rights.

Because for some reason, this seems to be something that comes up a lot, and people have questioned my sexuality.  And honestly, I don’t really care.  If someone thinks I’m a lesbian or bi, it makes no difference to me, because I know who I am.  But it makes me angry that people seem to think that you HAVE to be at least bi or pan to support gay rights.  I’m straight, but not narrow.

• I know my rights from my wrongs.  It’s wrong to deny love.  It’s wrong to preach hate.  It’s wrong to tell people they will burn in hell because they were born a certain way.  It’s right to give basic equal rights to every human being.  It’s right to respect love, even if it’s a different love than yours.  It’s right to watch people live in happiness, same-sex or not.  It’s right to let foster children that need parents have parents that are in love, even if they aren’t the same sex.
• I want a better world for my children.  I want a world where it is okay to be whoever you are.  Despite the growing amount of acceptance, there is still a devastating amount of hate.  There are cruel, close-minded people that think an emotion as simple as love is gross.  There are people that can’t keep their nose’s out of other people’s bedrooms and pants.  It doesn’t matter to anyone that I like penis, it shouldn’t matter to anyone if I liked vagina.  My life, my decisions.  I will raise my children in a non-homophobic, accepting household where they know form an early age that whoever they are, I love them.  Gay, straight, bi, pan, trans, it is all equal to me.  They will be my children, and unconditional love is part of parenthood.  I want my kids to grow up in a world where love is embraced.  I want my kids to grow up in a world where they don’t have to fear being shunned for their sexual preference.  I’d honestly like to raise my kids and never assume that they’re straight.  I don’t like the whole idea of “coming out.” I never had to come out as straight.  I’d like to have homosexuality and gender a part of my sex talk I give to my kids.
• Some of the most kind, beautiful, amazing, and sweet people I know are gay, bi, pan, or gender queer in some way.  They’re all amazing.  They shouldn’t be denied their rights to happiness, simply because it’s something seen as different.  We are all human beings.  We all deserve equality.
• I would like to live in a world, and pave the way for any after me to a world, where gender roles are not to stiff.  Where there is not the immediate “gay” label to a man who does anything feminine, where there is not the immediate “dyke” label to a women who does anything masculine.  Where girls don’t HAVE to like pink and play with Barbies and boys don’t HAVE to like blue and play with Power Rangers.  Gender, in all honesty, is not that narrow or black and white.  More people need this realization.

I want to make a difference, an impact, and I believe in this.  I want to help make change.

My Religion - Agnostic.

Here is a long overdue post about my not clear-cut Agnosticism.  This isn't meant to be offensive.  You can all make posts about how you love God, I can make posts about my lack of belief/why I do believe a little.  Deal with it.  This may step on your toes if you don't see eye-to-eye with me, but please be respectful.

To clear it up for anyway, in the broadest sense, being agnostic is neither denying nor conforming the existence of a higher power/deity.  I believe that maybe there is an after life, maybe not.  I've always had that view, really, even when I wasn't sure what I believed, or what agnostic meant.  I was raised basically without religion, but my mom is Christian, so the belief was there in my house, just not the church, Sunday School, etc.  Up until 8th grade, I told people I believed in God/a higher power, but not organized religion.  I was theistic, but not any particular religion.  "Part indecision, part apathy." is something extremely simple that a friend of mine said, but that nails it for me.  Part of my agnosticism is apathy - just look at this world around us, at all the scientific fact we have that explains life as a purely coincidental string of events, etc.  Look at the things that happen to some people lives, the suicide, the hate, the pain, etc.  You can argue that however you want, but that is what makes me, personally, apathetic about religion.  The indecision is something that's always existed with me, which anything.  I don't like saying that I am completely, 100% atheist.  I'm for sure not 100% any religion.  Somewhere in the middle.  I'd like to think of myself as open minded, but I know I'm not, at times.  But, as my stance in the middle of things is, I can see both sides.  I don't believe in organized religion at all, and I'll talk about that more in a sec.  But another HUGE part of me not calling myself atheist, is that I am terrified of death.  Conclusion is scary to me.  80 years, for nothing?  It seem scary, at times.  But at others, beautiful.  70-80 years of life, of hardships, pain and stress, happiness and joy, firsts and lasts, and then, you finally find rest and peace with the world, with yourself.  There is nothing bleak about that, about closure.  I also don't consider myself educated enough to call myself atheist.  

Okay, on organized religion.  I don't want to be offensive in anyway, but I think the majority of organized religion can be where hate comes from  - when the church/school interprets thing how they will, and forces those things down everyone's throat.  This is something that varies from places to place, city to city, of course.  It's nothing more than a personal observation that has caused me to prefer my own spirituality as something I do solo.  Religion is kind of a more personal thing to me, not something that shouldn't be talked about, but it's no one else's set of rules, it how I feel, what I think.  Faith vs. organized religion is a legitimate thing, if you see it as more church vs. basic belief. 

I also don't like when people counter "well, why do you go through bad things in your life, if God is there?" with the whole, "he's testing your faith." thing.  When my mom was ten years old, she was a very religious girl.  At ten, it was 1973?  She was growing up religious, attending church all the time, believed it 100%.  Her brother molested her, paid and threatened her to keep quite.  When she finally got the courage to tell her parents, they didn't do anything about it.  She was also raped in the army at around the age of 20.  At 48, she's just now getting help for the sexual abuse that basically set the stage for her life of being emotionally, verbally, and sometimes physically abused.  Why did that happen?  To test her faith?  Is that really necessary, putting her through that, to test her faith?  On the same sort of subject, I don't like when people tell atheists/anyone questioning them that "they just have to have faith."  That's not proving your religion is real at all, or even giving a good argument.  Educate yourself on your own religion, make solid points.  Come on now.  Sorry that this part sounds a little more rant-ish than explaining how I feel.  This is another reason for my apathy.

But then there are the things that make me still believe.  Not "the miracle of birth" or anything like that.  That's a scientific, natural thing.  But things that make me believe are more personal, failed suicide attempts of people I love, having the way with words that helps me talk others out of it.  But those things can all be rationally explained with a lack of bullets and growing up with a mom who loves to read, so it's still not really a reason, in my eyes.  

Another point I would like to make about what I believe: I don't believe in sin.  I don't think it is a legitimate thing, for a few reasons.  But I must clarify something - I do think, that if you, say, rape someone, murder someone, that it is morally wrong, and that if there is any heaven and hell, you'll be burning in the pits of hell.  First being, primarily, that things considered sins, are mostly good for you, in manageable quantity.  The seven deadly sins - lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, acedia, wrath, envy, pride, and vainglory are human nature.  

• Lust is a thing that can be bad - you only lose your virginity once.  It's special, or it should be.  You can get STDs, etc.  BUT, there is nothing wrong with not only having sex with more than one person, if you're staying protected, but having premarital sex.  There's nothing wrong with sex that is only lustful, not for children.  There's nothing wrong with porn or masturbating.  
• Gluttony is the most superfluous one, in my opinion.  While it may not be good for ones health, restricting when, how much, or how fast one can eat, and calling it a sin if they break those restrictions, is silly.
• Greed is probably one of the damaging things.  It hurts you to do nothing but covet, but that's human nature, wanting.  It keeps you going, gives you goals.
• Sloth and acedia are similar, since Acedia is basically procrastinating.  Not doing things, being lazy - again, nit good, but not..bad.
• Wrath.  Another weird one, to me.  Anger is so human, so hard to control.  And too much, to the point where you hit or alienate everyone around you, yeah, that's damaging, but not something you should necessarily go to hell just for feeling.
• I feel the same way about Envy as I go about greed.
• Pride/vainglory - is necessary, and the lack of it can be fatal.  Boasting might annoy those around you at times, but there's nothing wrong with being proud of who you are/what you've accomplished, even in access. 

I guess my point is basically that although these things may not be good in access, I don't find anything sinful in any of these activities.

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judges, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." - Matthew 7:1-2 

There's a bible quote for you.  People also like to pick and chose whats bad and whats good, I don't like that whole, "I can have premarital sex and masturbate but you can't be gay because THAT'S a sin." attitude.  

And just another random thing: I believe in ghosts and spirits and all that.  I'd almost prefer not to, but I have severe paranoia/panic and I'm sort of still afraid of not the dark, but what's in it, and you can't really be afraid of something you don't believe in..right?  So I suppose I do.  And I've known a lot of people who've seen ghosts.

I wonder if anyone even cares I've written all this.  If it wasn't for the fact that it's taken me a good hour, I'd just delete it...so...enjoy?

Gender.

Okay, I want to make a long, somewhat lame post about how I feel about my gender, without referencing anything, without being like, "this post is how I feel."

I'd like to first say that I'm still very confused.  This is a mostly label-free post, just how I FEEL.

I've never felt particularly feminine in my life.  Dresses, the color pink, playing house, Barbies, glitter, make-up, dressing up girly for Halloween, even jewelry - typically feminine things have never really been me.

But at the same time, I wasn't really..butch.  I liked playing in the dirt, worms, dinosaurs, bugs, sports, dark/boy colors Pokemon, I dress like a boy, I like wearing boxers, I only wear necklaces and such that mean something to me, and I was always the dog when we played house, I had a majority more male friends than female.  Being feminine is work for me.  I part my hair a different way when I don't feel like I have to look pretty.

But I've also never liked guns/weapons/fighting, cars, tools, or watching sports (more playing them.), which is also typically masculine.

I like(d) stuffed animals, my littlest pet shops - I was an animal kid.  Also, a huge dino kid.  I like nail polish sometimes and chick flicks.  I like a lot of what could be considered more girly music, but also more rock/masculine music, if music must have a gender.  I'm going to die at the ball walking in heels.  I'm not one to victimize the female gender - I  think boys feel just as much pain, and I'll stand up for that.  I'm not graceful, nor elegant.  Looking like a girl is WORK for me.

So where does that leave me?
A confused tomboy that feels better in boxers and cargo shorts?
A girl who is pushing the limits to much?

I'm not transgender, but I'm not cisgendered.  I'm in the in between somewhere, the gray space, confused.  Because I DO like my girl anatomy..sort of.  I'm comfortable with below the belt, I like what truly defines me as a girl.  But having breasts makes me uncomfortable.  I'd like to bind them, cut my hair, and pass as a boy sometimes.
I think if I'd been born a boy, I'd like it.
The sexual aspects, the gender role.
I might be a fairly emotional/feminine boy..
Like now I am a fairly masculine girl.
It's weird, and I'm very in between, but happy with being a girl.

I think pangender is actually what I feel fits best.

Intro.

My name is Luna.


I spend too much a lot of time thinking about what's right, religion, the what-ifs, feminism, my gender, and a handful of undiagnosed mental disorders.


I'm in love.


With a boy, with music, and with writing.


I'm trapped inside the confines of my own mind.


This blog will just be opinions and posts about various things.


I'm not witty, sorry in advance.


I just want to be heard.