Here is a long overdue post about my not clear-cut Agnosticism. This isn't meant to be offensive. You can all make posts about how you love God, I can make posts about my lack of belief/why I do believe a little. Deal with it. This may step on your toes if you don't see eye-to-eye with me, but please be respectful.
To clear it up for anyway, in the broadest sense, being agnostic is neither denying nor conforming the existence of a higher power/deity. I believe that maybe there is an after life, maybe not. I've always had that view, really, even when I wasn't sure what I believed, or what agnostic meant. I was raised basically without religion, but my mom is Christian, so the belief was there in my house, just not the church, Sunday School, etc. Up until 8th grade, I told people I believed in God/a higher power, but not organized religion. I was theistic, but not any particular religion. "Part indecision, part apathy." is something extremely simple that a friend of mine said, but that nails it for me. Part of my agnosticism is apathy - just look at this world around us, at all the scientific fact we have that explains life as a purely coincidental string of events, etc. Look at the things that happen to some people lives, the suicide, the hate, the pain, etc. You can argue that however you want, but that is what makes me, personally, apathetic about religion. The indecision is something that's always existed with me, which anything. I don't like saying that I am completely, 100% atheist. I'm for sure not 100% any religion. Somewhere in the middle. I'd like to think of myself as open minded, but I know I'm not, at times. But, as my stance in the middle of things is, I can see both sides. I don't believe in organized religion at all, and I'll talk about that more in a sec. But another HUGE part of me not calling myself atheist, is that I am terrified of death. Conclusion is scary to me. 80 years, for nothing? It seem scary, at times. But at others, beautiful. 70-80 years of life, of hardships, pain and stress, happiness and joy, firsts and lasts, and then, you finally find rest and peace with the world, with yourself. There is nothing bleak about that, about closure. I also don't consider myself educated enough to call myself atheist.
Okay, on organized religion. I don't want to be offensive in anyway, but I think the majority of organized religion can be where hate comes from - when the church/school interprets thing how they will, and forces those things down everyone's throat. This is something that varies from places to place, city to city, of course. It's nothing more than a personal observation that has caused me to prefer my own spirituality as something I do solo. Religion is kind of a more personal thing to me, not something that shouldn't be talked about, but it's no one else's set of rules, it how I feel, what I think. Faith vs. organized religion is a legitimate thing, if you see it as more church vs. basic belief.
I also don't like when people counter "well, why do you go through bad things in your life, if God is there?" with the whole, "he's testing your faith." thing. When my mom was ten years old, she was a very religious girl. At ten, it was 1973? She was growing up religious, attending church all the time, believed it 100%. Her brother molested her, paid and threatened her to keep quite. When she finally got the courage to tell her parents, they didn't do anything about it. She was also raped in the army at around the age of 20. At 48, she's just now getting help for the sexual abuse that basically set the stage for her life of being emotionally, verbally, and sometimes physically abused. Why did that happen? To test her faith? Is that really necessary, putting her through that, to test her faith? On the same sort of subject, I don't like when people tell atheists/anyone questioning them that "they just have to have faith." That's not proving your religion is real at all, or even giving a good argument. Educate yourself on your own religion, make solid points. Come on now. Sorry that this part sounds a little more rant-ish than explaining how I feel. This is another reason for my apathy.
But then there are the things that make me still believe. Not "the miracle of birth" or anything like that. That's a scientific, natural thing. But things that make me believe are more personal, failed suicide attempts of people I love, having the way with words that helps me talk others out of it. But those things can all be rationally explained with a lack of bullets and growing up with a mom who loves to read, so it's still not really a reason, in my eyes.
Another point I would like to make about what I believe: I don't believe in sin. I don't think it is a legitimate thing, for a few reasons. But I must clarify something - I do think, that if you, say, rape someone, murder someone, that it is morally wrong, and that if there is any heaven and hell, you'll be burning in the pits of hell. First being, primarily, that things considered sins, are mostly good for you, in manageable quantity. The seven deadly sins - lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, acedia, wrath, envy, pride, and vainglory are human nature.
- Lust is a thing that can be bad - you only lose your virginity once. It's special, or it should be. You can get STDs, etc. BUT, there is nothing wrong with not only having sex with more than one person, if you're staying protected, but having premarital sex. There's nothing wrong with sex that is only lustful, not for children. There's nothing wrong with porn or masturbating.
- Gluttony is the most superfluous one, in my opinion. While it may not be good for ones health, restricting when, how much, or how fast one can eat, and calling it a sin if they break those restrictions, is silly.
- Greed is probably one of the damaging things. It hurts you to do nothing but covet, but that's human nature, wanting. It keeps you going, gives you goals.
- Sloth and acedia are similar, since Acedia is basically procrastinating. Not doing things, being lazy - again, nit good, but not..bad.
- Wrath. Another weird one, to me. Anger is so human, so hard to control. And too much, to the point where you hit or alienate everyone around you, yeah, that's damaging, but not something you should necessarily go to hell just for feeling.
- I feel the same way about Envy as I go about greed.
- Pride/vainglory - is necessary, and the lack of it can be fatal. Boasting might annoy those around you at times, but there's nothing wrong with being proud of who you are/what you've accomplished, even in access.
I guess my point is basically that although these things may not be good in access, I don't find anything sinful in any of these activities.
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judges, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." - Matthew 7:1-2
There's a bible quote for you. People also like to pick and chose whats bad and whats good, I don't like that whole, "I can have premarital sex and masturbate but you can't be gay because THAT'S a sin." attitude.
And just another random thing: I believe in ghosts and spirits and all that. I'd almost prefer not to, but I have severe paranoia/panic and I'm sort of still afraid of not the dark, but what's in it, and you can't really be afraid of something you don't believe in..right? So I suppose I do. And I've known a lot of people who've seen ghosts.
I wonder if anyone even cares I've written all this. If it wasn't for the fact that it's taken me a good hour, I'd just delete it...so...enjoy?
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