Anxiety/Paranoia

Here is what makes me feel crazy.

My paranoia and anxiety issues, most of which I am too embarrassed to admit.

I'm terrified of the dark/ghosts.  If my door is cracked open, even half an inch, that's enough to start the heart palpitations.  Shadow moves, something out of the corner of my eyes?  Same thing.  Closet open?  Have to shine a light in there before I can sleep.  I'm jumpy and easily frightened.  As a kid, I was afraid of asteroids, meteors, any form of natural disaster, it all terrified me and chilled me to the bone, and it must have started then.  And even just talking about ghosts can get me glancing over my shoulder.  And not in an "lol, I watched a scary movie and now I'm spooked" way. I have no emotional barrier.  Scary movies chill me.  Mirrors at night still scare me because of Unborn, and I watched that 2 years ago.  I can't go into the basement sometimes because it scares me.  My imagination escapes me.

     I also always have this sinking feeling of dread, like everyone is lying to me, like everything is about to explode.  Canceled plans, heart-to-hearts, I always feel like people are lying, holding back.  My whole life, nothing was ever a constant.  Divorce, cancer, switching schools whenever I have grounds, new family, alcoholic/drug abusing father figures, failed father figures, failed mother figures, no friends that stay, etc.  The relationships around me all burned out.  I'm just accustomed to ending, to seeing the glass half empty.  I was also lied to a lot growing up - I was the baby, the one they sugar-coated things for too much.  Information was withheld.  Maybe when I realized that no one around me was who I thought they were, I began to be suspicious.  My family is a foundation of lies.  I always suspect a lie before the truth - I like to see things with my own eyes, deduct with my own reasoning.  I also cannot lie, it is physically impossible for me. Even though sometimes I wish I could lie to my overly-attentive, over protective mom, I can't.  She thinks I can.  She thinks I'm so desperate to lose my virginity I'd make love in the ten minutes it takes for her to go to Walgreens.  But I could never, nor do I want to, yet.  I'm too paranoid do things on a clock or on a lie, to know that my time would be up soon.  Same with anything, really.  Parties, sneaking out of the house, smoking, I could never enjoy myself, I'd be too worried about being caught.  Even for the simplest, easiest things, I think of these big, constructed lies, and never need to use them.  Like with hiding my cutting scars.  I was always afraid a friend would see, and I'd imagine a whole conversation in my mind, and they'd never even notice.

With anxiety, I get real freaky flashes of things in my mind a lot.  Like, I have a hard time controlling my imagination, too.  I'm always terrified of my step-dad beating and/or sexually abusing me, and especially when I was 13 or so and had no one to talk to, the thoughts would get a hold on me, pound at my rib cage, scare me.  To vivid.  Ditto with being in high places (think of falling, breaking my neck, dropping my phone, etc.), reaching my hand out of a car (smashing into a stop sign, falling out, hitting a light post and having my whole arm snap back and break.), things like that.  When I was as young as 7 or 8, I used to be near tears if I thought about death, because it would give me a panic attack to think about dying and that being the end of everything.

Soo yeah, there's a little crazy for you.  The complexity that is my insanity.

I've heard BPD used to be referred to as a sub-type of schizophrenia.