What If I'd Been Born A Boy

Gotten a Y chromosome instead of another X?  

It's weird thinking that my life could have, essentially, been completely different.  Would I still like boys?  Boy clothing?  Would I be a feminine boy, a masculine boy, a straight boy, a gay boy?  I probably would have had a lot more of my dad's love and respect.  What if I was all dad needed?  What if our family held together, because he got the boy he wanted for years and years?  Got the sports-y, dog lover that I was, minus the penis.  But what if it got worse?  What if dad beat on me harder, because I was a boy?  Demanded more of me?  Hit the life out of me, until I attempted suicide my slicing apart my chest, like my cousin did.

       But, I think that on a deeper level, my family-oriented emotional trauma would be the same regardless of whether I was born a boy or girl.  I suffered because of my mom's choices, basically.  And I mean, I was born because of those choices, too, but still.  

What about my more personal life?  I mostly only had male friends in Elementary.  Do boys get complimented on their looks more?  Are they wired to care?  If I weighed what I weigh and was a boy, how would I feel about myself?  If I was a dorky, curly-haired, overweight boy..my god.

But say, I had led basically the same life, just, with a penis.  What about Conner and I?  what if I had this huge crush on a straight boy, and I was a gay boy?  Zaih and I?  Would she still have pulled me into that magnetic field of damage, but with romantic intentions?  

Shattered.

A broken, shattered me.  That’s what I am.  It’s as though the fundamental ME, my personality. My emotions, they have all splintered or broken off.  At the center, what holds me together, is numbness and a constant mild sadness.  Insomnia that keeps me up until the darkest hour.  The anger, even, it’s shut down, broken.  My bravery is lessened.  And it can surface, bit when it does, I am alone and isolated with that emotion.  It is in control, and I become impulsive.  If I’m happy, I tend to make plans I don’t want to follow through with, sometimes to do silly things with my friends.  When I’m worried, I’ll get a panic attack.  Gut-wrenching fear.  When I’m upset, I want  to hurt.  Bleed.  Die.  Because all I can feel and comprehend is my current emotion.

Anxiety/Paranoia

Here is what makes me feel crazy.

My paranoia and anxiety issues, most of which I am too embarrassed to admit.

I'm terrified of the dark/ghosts.  If my door is cracked open, even half an inch, that's enough to start the heart palpitations.  Shadow moves, something out of the corner of my eyes?  Same thing.  Closet open?  Have to shine a light in there before I can sleep.  I'm jumpy and easily frightened.  As a kid, I was afraid of asteroids, meteors, any form of natural disaster, it all terrified me and chilled me to the bone, and it must have started then.  And even just talking about ghosts can get me glancing over my shoulder.  And not in an "lol, I watched a scary movie and now I'm spooked" way. I have no emotional barrier.  Scary movies chill me.  Mirrors at night still scare me because of Unborn, and I watched that 2 years ago.  I can't go into the basement sometimes because it scares me.  My imagination escapes me.

     I also always have this sinking feeling of dread, like everyone is lying to me, like everything is about to explode.  Canceled plans, heart-to-hearts, I always feel like people are lying, holding back.  My whole life, nothing was ever a constant.  Divorce, cancer, switching schools whenever I have grounds, new family, alcoholic/drug abusing father figures, failed father figures, failed mother figures, no friends that stay, etc.  The relationships around me all burned out.  I'm just accustomed to ending, to seeing the glass half empty.  I was also lied to a lot growing up - I was the baby, the one they sugar-coated things for too much.  Information was withheld.  Maybe when I realized that no one around me was who I thought they were, I began to be suspicious.  My family is a foundation of lies.  I always suspect a lie before the truth - I like to see things with my own eyes, deduct with my own reasoning.  I also cannot lie, it is physically impossible for me. Even though sometimes I wish I could lie to my overly-attentive, over protective mom, I can't.  She thinks I can.  She thinks I'm so desperate to lose my virginity I'd make love in the ten minutes it takes for her to go to Walgreens.  But I could never, nor do I want to, yet.  I'm too paranoid do things on a clock or on a lie, to know that my time would be up soon.  Same with anything, really.  Parties, sneaking out of the house, smoking, I could never enjoy myself, I'd be too worried about being caught.  Even for the simplest, easiest things, I think of these big, constructed lies, and never need to use them.  Like with hiding my cutting scars.  I was always afraid a friend would see, and I'd imagine a whole conversation in my mind, and they'd never even notice.

With anxiety, I get real freaky flashes of things in my mind a lot.  Like, I have a hard time controlling my imagination, too.  I'm always terrified of my step-dad beating and/or sexually abusing me, and especially when I was 13 or so and had no one to talk to, the thoughts would get a hold on me, pound at my rib cage, scare me.  To vivid.  Ditto with being in high places (think of falling, breaking my neck, dropping my phone, etc.), reaching my hand out of a car (smashing into a stop sign, falling out, hitting a light post and having my whole arm snap back and break.), things like that.  When I was as young as 7 or 8, I used to be near tears if I thought about death, because it would give me a panic attack to think about dying and that being the end of everything.

Soo yeah, there's a little crazy for you.  The complexity that is my insanity.

I've heard BPD used to be referred to as a sub-type of schizophrenia. 

Update...Apologies, Even Though I Have No Readers.

I noticed today that although my blog says, gender, sexuality, mental illness, feminism, and thoughtful atheism."  I have barely made any posts about religion or mental illness.  I'll start working on that.  


I'm suffering from codependency, anxiety/paranoia, a self-injury addiction, mood swings, feelings of empty identity, depression, and restricting/starving with binges.


I'm pangender.


I'm atheist.


And here's a picture of me:

My chest is tied down.  Stuck here forever...blurring the lines.

I'm A Feminist Because..

• I'm a feminist because since I was young, boys were favored.  Physically, in sports teams, whatever.  I'm grow up a tomboy, a girl who was doing things most boys were, and was hit in the face with how much teachers would prefer boys helping them move things, how everyone thought the boys teams were better, etc.
• I'm a feminist because I don't want to be forced to write under a male pseudonym.  J. K. Rowling published her books with her initials and not her full name because her editors believed no one would pick up an action/fantasy written by a women.  I want to be a writer, a poet, something creative, and expressing my femininity - or my pangender identity, for that matter - shouldn't be a turn off to a potential buyer.
• I'm a feminist because my future daughters and I deserve the same opportunities as my future sons and husband.  Although I have ZERO desire to join the military, I think it's sexist that when you register to vote, only men's names are put in the draft.  Equality is key.  If a man and women apply for the same job, the best qualified one should receive it, not the one society has proclaimed more fit by genitals.
• I'm a feminist because being a stay-at-home mom, while admirable, is no longer the only way to go, and I want my kids to see that.  I want the boys to know they can be nurses, nursery teachers, or hair dressers and that's OKAY and for the girls to know they can be construction workers, electricians, and other masculine jobs, and that's OKAY, because gender roles are stupid.
• I'm a feminist because no human should be perceived as an object, a toy, something to just play around with.  I'm a women, and I should have rights because I'm a human being.  Regardless of how I identify, what's between my legs, on my chest, or on my birth certificate.  I deserve rights because I am breathing and living and a person.

Benefits of Sex For Those Who Thinks It's Evil.

As I made a long, annoying post about: I’ve never had sex, and, for the time being, plan to keep it that way, but I dislike the concept of waiting for marriageso that you aren’t a whore.  Waiting until marriage is great, less risk of STDs, pregnancy, and emotional hurt, but it’s not the only way things work anymore.  Since I don’t really know how perfect these websites are, I’m just posting the ones that are repeated or from reliable websites.

1. Sex relieves stress.
2. Sex burns calories - about 170 per hour.
3. Studies show that sex boosts immunoglobulin A, an antibody that protects against colds and infections.
4. Having sex once or twice a week reduces the chance of a fatal heart attack.
5. Sex reduces pain.  As the hormone oxytocin surges, endorphins increase, and pain declines. So if your headache, arthritis pain, or PMS symptoms seem to improve after sex, you can thank those higher oxytocin levels.  Oxytocin also improves sleep
6. Frequent ejaculations reduce the chances of prostate cancer.
7. Sex balances our hormone levels, which results in clearer skin.
8. Turns out that semen is chock-full of zinc, calcium and other tooth decay-fighting minerals that benefit us when our bodies absorb it. While having lots of sex can’t replace a biannual trip to the dentist, having extra doses of these minerals certainly can’t hurt our pearly whites.
9. Sex (side note: having sex is not the cure to low self-esteem or a failing relationship.  It’s an addition to a good one.) boosts confidence, self-esteem, and improves moods.
10. Some evidence suggests that having sex can heal physical wounds faster.
11. Recent evidence shows that semen could be an antidepressant and help lower blood pressure.  It’s also packed with vitamins/minerals.

Just be safe.  Use condoms and birth control.  Be aware that nothing is 100% safe.  

My Reasons For Holding Onto My Virginity.

Beyond “I respect myself.”  This gets mildly personal, so read with discretion. 

• I AM only a teenager.  I could probably list a bunch of reasons why not to have sex focused on the fact that I’m young, not ready, have only been together a bit over a year, etc, but that is not the point I wish to make.  People in different situations with different mindsets believe different things about age and readiness and such.  The reasons following these (I hope.) will lack social stigma and be more personal.  
• I’m a paranoid motherfucker.  My period is STILL erratic, after nearly four years, and I’ve been 2+ weeks late, skipped whole months, etc.  I would be WAY to anxious and scared.  If it was a fucking day late I couldn’t focus on anything.  I’d just sit in my room curled in the fetal position.  And yes, eventually I will have to face a little paranoia - but I can’t be on the pill right now, and like I said, 15.  If I was 19 or 20 and a day or two late, I might be able to handle myself.
• I have trust issues, body issues, self-worth issues.  Getting naked?  Exposing myself completely?  breaking down not just physical but emotional barriers?  Letting someone be my first?  I can’t do that, not now.
• I want a solid guarantee that my first will be the one I marry.  No for any stupid moral reasons - I think it’s fine for other people to fuck more than one person before settling down, or be in open relationships, but that’s not for me.  I like my own sense of romance, me own knowing that only one person will ever see me to vulnerable.
• Giving into your desires as soon as they appear can suck.  I’m not one to be like, “Chase a girl for weeks and months and years and THEN date her.” But I do think that with sexual matters, waiting makes the heart grow needier.  There’s nothing wrong with wanting, and not having things fulfilled immediately. 
• I am a hopeless, cheesy, rose-petal loving romantic.  There is absolutely no way in hell I will lose my virginity on my mom’s couch.  I’m not going to lose it in the 15 minutes I have while my dad is at Walgreen’s, scrambling to zip my pants back up when I hear the lock turn in the keyhole.  I’m not saying I have some perfect virginity-losing night planned in my mind - but I know that I want to to be private.  Only rushed from passion, not fear of being walked in on.  I want a date and romance and gentleness.  I want to make love, not quickly fuck.
• This poem always struck a short and sweet cord with me.
• I think sex should be a secondary component to a relationship.  It can matter, yeah, a healthy sex life is great, but it should develop later.  Going from kissing to sex violates something in me that likes to take things step-by step.  
• I’m not doing it for religious reasons, neither am I waiting for marriage.  I am simply waiting, because that’s what FEELS RIGHT to me.

Lies and Stereotypes I've Learned About Sex, Sexuality, and Gender

Lie 1 - Only males are horny, only males want sex.  Women agree because the men want it.  Girls shouldn't even really WANT sex.  I can attest, that this is completely untrue.  I've never had sex, because I can control my impulses and I'm responsible enough to know before I even consider, I need to be on the pill, having good condoms, and I am way too romantic to do it in 10 minutes behind the couch.  But the stereotype that guys will stick it in while your mom's at Walmart in your dirty garage is so wrong.  Boys have desire, girls have desire.  Boys pressure, girls pressure.  It goes both ways, or it can go neither ways.  Both can be respectful.  One can want more, but stay quiet about it until the other is comfortable.  And not even in the realm of anything pressuring, just arousal.  Girls can want pleasure, too.  It's not this XY chromosome thing to want to feel good sexually.

Lie 2 relates to lie 1 - Only boys masturbate.  Girls masturbate for guys, to please guys.  Sluts masturbate on webcam, but that's about it.  In general, masturbating is gross.
So false I don't even know where to start.  Like I said previously, the idea that only boys want pleasure is silly in itself.  Personally, I think a lot of the reason girls don't masturbate as much is (beyond the social stigma, just google "is it okay to masturbate" and you will find a lot of girls and boys being worried about such.) that it actually is harder for a lot of girls to get off by themselves.  It generally takes girls longer to orgasm, and is just harder to get to that level of arousal.  And although I never really shared this opinion, I have heard a lot of, "But masturbating is so gross.  Touching yourself?  Ew."  For girls and boys.  Masturbating is probably the most natural thing ever.  Exploring your sexuality, physically and emotionally, is completely okay.

Lie 3 - Sex is insanely complex, troublesome, and even if your partner is a virgin, if you're not married, you will mysteriously contract an STD.  Okay, so I have never had sex, and I know it doesn't just pop right in like a puzzle piece, but there seems to be the idea floating around that if you tell kids that it's really hard, they will be deterred, when the opposite is true...they will explore.  Also, with the STDs: Yes, caution is wonderful.  Getting STD screenings is great.  But so is reality.  And the reality is you probably won't get AIDS from a bathroom toilet seat, spread it to your partner, and die a painful death.  If you're both honest and virgins (or just honest and clean), nothing will randomly emerge.

Lie 4 - Having sex with more than one - even just two or three different people in a fairly small frame of time - makes you a slut.  So does talking about sexual preferences or your sex life.  Wrong.  Cheating is getting into slutty.  Not knowing who your babies daddy is makes you a slut.  Having every STD possible makes you a slut.  Being a hooker makes you a slut.  but being 18 and having had sex with two people doesn't make you a slut.  Neither does wearing "slutty" clothes or saying that you are horny.


Lie 5  - Liking it in the ass makes you gay if you're a boy, weird if you're a girl.
To begin, sexuality is not nearly that shallow.  Just as straight people have types, so do gay people.  And it's not really JUST penis and ass.  That's not all there is to being a male homosexual, just as bobs and vagina isn't all there is to being a girl.  If you're attracted to boys, you like boy faces, boy bodies, boy chest, etc.  The aura of a man.  If you are attracted to girls, you like the feminine hips, the girly face, the (probably) long hair.  But there is the male equivalent of a g-spot in the ass, and it is not purely by some twisted birth defect that it would feel good.  It's just as natural as any other sexual feeling.  And for girls: there's still nerves and stuff.  It's not this numb area of no feeling.


Lie 6 - You can be gay, you can be straight, and you can even be bi, but you MUST have a label.  If you don't know, you can't be anything. There's not even much to say about this except that it's wrong.  You  can be questioning sexuality, gender, you could be a gay guy that happens to like boobs you can be a straight girl that likes girl curves.  You can make out with someone of the same sex and it doesn't make you guy.  You can be gay and have a opposite sex crush and it doesn't make you straight.

Lie 7 - Gender if male or female.  Getting sex changes or cross-dressing is weird if you're a boy, but not if you're a girl.  Just wrong.  If I wear a men's clothes, why do they have to be men's clothes?  They're MY clothes.  My gender queer, confused self.  But even before I identified as that.  Are you going to tell a 10 year old she cross dresses?  If a boy wants to dress up as Cinderella, he can.  Heels, a skirt?  Still okay.  Doesn't matter the age or the wear.  It is an okay thing to bend, explore, or identify as different than the binaries.

Lie 8- In order to be a proper, functioning girl and not have your sexuality questioned, you have to have long, flowing hair, loads of makeup, and tight clothes.  Wearing boy clothing, putting your hair in a ponytail, and wanting to be a boy is weird and wrong.  Although no one has ever really solidified for me that this is false, I have discovered myself that it is, indeed, false.  AND that my gender isn't a huge fucking deal.  If I want to be boyish, I can, and I shouldn't be chastised or called a lesbian for it.

Lie 9 - You can never send someone a picture of you even making a silly face or showing a little boob because the moment the boy you send it to becomes even the slightest bit annoyed that you are late to dinner, he will spread it around the entire school and your reputation will be destroyed.  Although I'm sure that this actually does happen a lot - even if the guy only, I don't know, shows it to his friend and says you have nice tits, that's still not something you want.  I just personally don't like the very "EVERYONE WILL SEE THE PICTURE BECAUSE OF REASONS" mentality.  It's illegal, and that's more to worry about in a lot of cases.  It's considered child pornography, and sending them to someone whose not a minor, if you are a minor, can get them in huge trouble.

A Perfect World Sex-Ed: Things I've Learned From the Interwebz, Reading, and Friend, Not Teachers and Parents.

Having a proper sexual education in school won’t cause more sex.
There’s a show about pregnant teenagers, what damage do you really think is still left to be done?


MAYBE, if your own bodies and anatomy weren’t shamed and taboo to talk about, teenagers wouldn’t have sex or to impulsive things just to explore.  Not that I don’t slut-shame sometimes, because people will judge you on how you look, and that’s a fact of life.  But if you want your tits hanging out and your legs barely covered, that’s your choice to make.  But if boobies weren’t so taboo, it wouldn’t be a big deal.  If own own anatomy wasn’t somehow subconsciously wrong to discuss, kids wouldn’t giggle at the worlds vagina and penis.

MAYBE if you actually taught about contraception - INCLUDING the possibility of staying abstinent, but not limiting birth control education to that, kids would AT LEAST be having protected sex.  I am planning to stay a virgin probably until I’m out of high school. or nearly.  But I fully support selling condoms on campus.  Sex is unpreventable.  Unprotected sex is preventable.

MAYBE getting pregnant shouldn’t be used as the biggest freaking scare. Yes, diapers cost more than condoms, etc. A baby is forever, a significant other might not be.
But there’s more sex can result in than getting pregnant or getting herpes. There’s emotions to it, too. There is a vulnerability in being completely exposed, an innocence you can’t ever take back. The One becomes not The One, a few times, and you begin to build up regrets. When someone truly is special, they aren’t your first, no matter how much you wish you could turn things around. Maybe even mention that, you know. Sex should only be with love and consent. Not impulsion, drugs, and pressure.  (Wishful thinking now:)  They’d even go over porn/masturbation and how it’s a perfectly normal, acceptable, and useful tool to relieve sexual tension without having sex FOR BOTH GENDERS.

Also, it should be thrown in there somewhere that raping is not okay, and can happen with any gender on any gender. Girls can rape girls.  girls can rape boys.  Boys can rape boys.  Boys can rape girls.  It’s caused by misanthropy, not misogyny.  Pressuring goes both ways. Nothing is consensual but a yes. Right now, in society, we are taught “don’t get raped.” instead of “don’t rape.”  If a girl is wearing a low-cut shirt, you have no right to touch her.  If a person is drunk, you have no right to force yourself upon him/her.  if a person is hesitant to say no, you don’t take that as a yes.  If you’re giving a girl head, you are not magically allowed to take your pants off and force your dick in her.  People make this mistake, that one sexual activity allows for the others, and it’s so wrong.  Sometimes passion happens and you go farther than intended, but if someone says NO, I’m not ready to go farther, you freaking stop.  It doesn’t matter how aroused you are.  It doesn’t matter how much you want it.  You back off.  You respect.

And in the real world of honest, truthful, and open sex ed, they’d cover the fact that genders don’t have to fit binaries, and something about homosexuality, how homosexual love is okay, too.  They’d talk about the different forms of gender fluidity, how being trans is fine, being cis is fine, but there’s also mixes of the two.  They’d (God, I wish.) discuss chest binding, sex changes, and hormone therapy.  And to cover same-sex relationships, they’d discuss curiosity and real feelings, how it’s fine to experiment, and also fine to actually be gay, bi, or pan.  (and now it’s just wishful thinking.) But they’d briefly skitter around the details of gay and straight sex.